You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
