Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
