It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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