think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
