Who wears a wallet chain?!
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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