Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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