I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Its about making memories worth repressing
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
