I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
