I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
