my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
