I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
