It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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