well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Congratulations! We have a period
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
