so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
