Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
