She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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