The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
