I'm so fucking centered right now
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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