Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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