if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
