The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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