Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Randomize
