Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
