my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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