Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
