i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
