sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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