Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
time to smoke my breakfast
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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