why didn't you poke me back
My friends, they love my intelligence
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
