He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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