I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
