Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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