the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
