If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
