Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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