just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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