You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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