six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
