Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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