You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
