remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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