I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
