Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
