I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
