No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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