sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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