i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
