I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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