theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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