what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
