I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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