I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Panties = found
Randomize
