I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
