Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I pour the whiskey from now on
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
