sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
