Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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