So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
